31 Mar Vulnerability of the wounds of the Soul

Vulnerability about sexual abuse

Last night was hard, the more I bare my soul the more I want to hide. I feel so vulnerable. I wallow like a willow tree planted in the muddy and slimy ground. I felt gross. I opened my Netflix to distract myself and I ended up watching documentary movies about children’s sex exploitation and abuse. Namely the Examination of Conscience, Surviving R. Kelly and Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich. These perpetrators destroyed a lot of lives. It triggered a lot of memories not only of Theo’s but as well as my own sexual abuse. My life story overlaps with my son’s story as we had the same karmic bondage.

Karma is here to shift us into empowerment

We incarnated and experience human sufferings from sex abuse, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse. To be a victim is one aspect of being human but it does not need to be like this. Our paradigm shift is here to know that we do not need to suffer. We can co-create a new earth, new template of being human and divine and this newness will spring something beautiful for our generations to come and heal the wounds of our ancestors.

I pray that our children that are arriving in planet earth are going to experience paradise. They will be kept pure, in awe of creations and enjoy fully their lives with so much love, light and support from their parents, mentors and guides. They will grow with self-esteem, self-worth and inner knowing that they are here to experience the beauty, art and love of divine creations. They are illuminated with full of higher understanding that they are souls experiencing being human.

I pray that our school system will radically transform, educating our children about nature, nutrition, health, emotional body, genetics, spirituality, creativity, supporting other children that are functioning in different spectrum of intelligence such as Autism. There are a lot of studies that will support unification, uniqueness and unity with each other to promote a world of safety, security and synergize creations.

Dec 2017, the need to be alone

Two weeks after Theo’s death, I told my children that I don’t want anybody in my home. They had been watching me ever since Theo passed away. They were afraid that I will go into a deep depression as I had a history of this when I was a teenager. I asked them to respect my privacy. Because I feel that I could not really grieve when there is someone beside me. I want to be alone. And they did.

Revelation from the Akashic Records

For almost a week, I could not sleep well. One night, I decided to sleep at the couch where Theo slept many nights. I was awaken from a dream. I received a download from his sacred contract with me. It gave me a bigger picture what Theo’s divine purpose was in conjunction with my life. When Theo was incarnated, he had experienced sexual abuse as a child which is mine as well. During those many years of counseling with him, unbeknownst to me that I was receiving divine grace to heal my inner child. I healed my wounds through his life story. He came to help me heal my sexual abuse.

He was my catalyst to be brave and to change the trajectory of my life. I gained freedom from being in abusive relationship and I became a stronger mother, provider and I became a spiritual healer and teacher for others. He was my liberator. He made me see what do not work and have clarity to pursue my passion. I learned to be who I am, my authentic self.

Counseling during Theo’s childhood

When Theo was around 10 yr old, we both went for counseling. He was reported in elementary school that he was bullying another classmate and my daughter. The principal called me in the office and I ended up crying and told her that Theo was sexually abused when he was three. The principal of the school was so compassionate and right away, we were referred to a counselling team outside of the school system. We went for years of counseling.

One of the most profound experience that we had, was when the counsellor asked Theo to lie down and close his eyes. To visualize a safe place for him, where he can go whenever he feels sad, in fear or alone. Theo, then proceeded to draw this place and the counselor and I were  both astonished at Theo’s drawing. He had a pyramid made of rocks like a mountain and he was at the peak of the mountain with his arms wide open. Then he drew a huge cross with other small crosses falling like stars. We asked, what does this drawing symbolizes? He said to us, “I am sitting on top of the rock and the huge cross is Jesus with the stars brightly shining and falling upon me. It reminds me of hope, love and light of God whenever I am in the dark.” I knew then that Theo, was in his way to recovery. He even received an award during that year. He was active in Tae Kwondo martial arts and was always into fitness.

Parenting and divorce

I was married very young at 19. After 16 yrs of marriage that was abusive, it was not working for us. My ex-husband did not want to leave our home and so I moved out by myself. I took my children away from our place. We stayed in a transition home for a month. The social worker told me that if I don’t get my children, they will take away my children from my husband. During that time there were 911 calls to the police as Theo and his dad were violent with each other.

When he was 15, I got divorced from his father. It was the start of his rebellious acts. He became addicted to drugs, alcohol and sex. I get calls from the neighborhood that they will call the police if the party in my home did not stop. While I was working on night shift, Theo was having a party in my home. I was continually stressed out with him. There was a time when I had to go to his school as he had been followed by a gang and wanted to stub him. So I filed complaints to the police and we had to hide Theo. We went to visit my family in LA and stayed there for few weeks and I had to find a different school so this gang will not find him.

He was able to graduate high school and I drove him to night school to complete his credentials. He was always against the system. He was an Indigo child, this means he incarnate as a rebel to change the old paradigm of greed, manipulations and control. But until he developed and focus on his highest potential that he was able to see the bigger picture of his life.

Highly intelligent

Theo was a genius. He had memorized a book, “Farmer Grover” from Sesame Street at the age of three. I can vividly remember that day, he came to me and said, “ I can read!” And he did J

He was a book worm. He listened to inspirational speakers and read till wee hours of the night. He also loved sharing what he learned and we gathered around him to listen. He liked being the star of attention. He danced wild with grace. He was full of life and his laughs were contagious.

He sung to me when we drove for our date together. He was special and loving son. He kissed me in the lips every time he sees me. He says, “I love you and you are the most beautiful woman I know!”

When I was pregnant with Theo, I remembered listening to Classical music and putting this beside my womb as my papa who was a professional singer lead me to believe that music is the intelligence of the universe. I grew up with 6 brothers and sisters like a tribe. Our daily life is filled with music and arts. My papa sings his heart out and he will put me in his lap. I felt love and adored as a child. My brothers were artists. I remembered watching my brother painting murals in our living room. It was a fantasy.

He struggled sitting in the class to listen with the teacher. He will tell me, “ I cannot stand the way they think. They are inside the box.”

My hardships with his teenage life

Our relationship was very tumultuous when he was a teenager, as I was a single mother struggling to provide for three children. Theo’s siblings were watching his irresponsible behaviour. I placed them in private school thinking that this will provide stability because they were in that school since they were kindergarten. I had to work most of the times for 16 hours to be able to afford the expenses. I was exhausted.

I watched Theo’s wild behaviour escalated and there were few times that I had to let him out of the house. But after a few months, Theo will return home and promises that he will be better. I feel guilty a lot of times and somehow I cave into his wishes. I looked back and saw that I was parenting from fear and guilt. I had no boundary. I did not love myself. I was broken. Our lives were filled with chaos and drama.

Theo shifts his life

When he was in his twenties, he was fortunate enough that TD Bank had hired him and saw his potential. He became a successful financial advisor. He was disciplined and he developed good habits. He woke up early in the morning and study the financial economy. He was very passionate with his life. He took care of his body and worked out daily. He was able to let go of his addictions to drugs.

He passed his first difficult exam to be a Chief Financial Analyst. But his attention changed as he wanted to gain freedom and travel to Philippines to explore.

I noticed a lot of changes in him. He had more respect with me and will take me out on a date to his fave local restaurants. He loved supporting our neighborhood. He became more loving towards his siblings and others.

He was always looking for love. But he did not know how to love himself in a deeper level. He was hard on himself. He was perfectionist. He was preoccupied with the future. He was unable to open his heart and flow with what he does. He was seriously pursuing his new found career. He wanted to be a Chief Financial Analyst. His dream was to become a money magnet. He told me that will take care of us and help the poor. He thought of love as being a provider. He did not think that he was enough. He thought he can solve his depression by having a strong mind.

Channeled message from God/Source

I asked God what is the difference between me and Theo? Why I was able to heal my wounds? The answer was, what healed you is when you surrender your life and challenges to your higher power. You were dependent to the Source of life. You were innately connected to the divine. There were no waves in your faith. You knew you were loved. And because of this mysticism, you were able to navigate through what was handed to you. You did not succumb to darkness. You took darkness with a stride to lean more into the Light. You remained in the Light, you did not give power to fear. You are fearless, devoted and dedicated to the bringing the Light in your physical dimension.

You are an alchemist who transcend darkness into Light. A divine warrior goddess. You study your AKashic Records with deligence and forgiveness for those sacred contracts that you experienced. You saw God’s fingerprints in your struggles. You are unstoppable. You are a master of your soul. You believe. You co-create with the Creator a magical and loving life.

Theo’s life was cut short. Because he was dependent on his mental intelligence to feel wholesome. It was pre-destined that his earthly life is done. He is doing a lot of work in the spiritual dimension. He is rectifying his wounds. He communicates through you the things that he was unable to teach.

Everyone has a unique blueprint and you are always co-creating your elevation towards your return to home. Your soul is your home. When you are living, it is at home in your body and other dimensions that you are tapping into. You are multi-dimensional being, holographic and powerful. When Theo left his physical body suit, he left 4 organs that carries on his legacy of love. Human beings have narrowed view of death and 3D. Your existence in earth is just one fractal of your soul or light body.

You are expansive and always receiving higher light codes that will enhance your existence. As you accelerate your knowledge and wisdom from your Masters of Light, you become a better version of your incarnation. You become wiser, focus and happy.

These darkness that you are sharing to others will help them recognized their own shadows. Even though you have tapped into your highest potential, you still have to release these karmic imprints to the collective in order to fully ascend and graduate in this incarnation. Your earthly life is your school in order to fully embrace your divine soul. As you experienced higher frequency of Light, you will experience life as magnified form of love.

Your 144,000 crystalline fields are activated to fully embody your ascension. You will feel love for yourself and others. There will be no space for harm as your heart is fully filled with divine grace. Everything becomes effortless. There is no time and space in this bliss. There are no words to even express this ecstasy that you experience. Life is limitless co-creations with the divine.

Break for self-care

I noticed that during these times of writing about Theo, I needed to pay attention to my self-care plan. I went out and bought some tulips and daffodils. I decided to do some gardening. As I was pulling out the weeds and cultivating the soil. I thought of our mind when we have a lot of stuff in our head. Like right now, I am reminiscing the past and relieving the pain of my son’s death. It is not easy. It is heavy. But I consciously chose to do this, I chose to write the story of death into rebirth. To be a voice of love, courage and to be a light to others. To be an alchemist in the midst of darkness. I walked for two hours in the forest. It was a beautiful cloudy day with mixed sunny periods. I loved walking, it helped me ground my thoughts and release any tension in my body.

Theo’s message

While I was sitting in a tree log, I can feel the embodiment of Theo’s spirit. He is communicating through me. Here is Theo’s message, “ I live within you, ma. I am alive in the 4 organs that received my body parts. These people are now part of my consciousness. They can feel me, my strengths and weaknesses. I multiplied and amplified my consciousness through their lives. I live with them. Their loved ones can feel my love, my organs are alive, ma.

How beautiful is that? Their DNA is imprinted with mine and continues to live in their existence. Quantum exponential of DNA integration from generations to generations to come. Their family will carry my blood, my legacy. A true warrior’s path.

I was in the conference room when the Dr. was discussing about my condition. I saw your head collapsed in the table. You cannot bear to hear the words of losing me. You were walking dead, ma. I am so sorry for all the pain. But as you know you are the queen of my heart. You healed my wounds of the soul. Now, you are continuing this work to be my voice. You have been my heroine, it is tough to relay this story. But the world needs this. Our passion together will bring others light and love. We will illuminate their mind. Continue the work, ma I am with you always. I love you so much.”