25 Mar Self-care plan that I wrote to Theo, the night before his tragedy

Nov 21, 2017

Background: I wrote this self- care plan for Theo as he revealed to me that he was going through challenges at work. That night, he asked me to open his Akashic Records. I did a lot of healing with him. I remembered lying him down in my bed putting crystals in his body and giving reiki energy healing. I read crystals oracle cards for him and opened his book of life. He borrowed my car and went to see his dad. He said, “I just want to get the contract and I am signing this apartment under my name. You can move here ma and I would buy my own apartment after my flight from Philippines.”

This was going to be his next move. Theo was contacting his cousins from Manila, Philippines saying that he will fly there and wanted to reunite with them. He had a ticket to Philippines two days after his funeral. 

He read this blog around 9:30 PM and was so happy, screaming from the dining room, “ma this is so beautiful, this is meant for me. I love you ma and thank you so much.” I replied, “you are so welcome anak (child in Tagalog language). I love you too. Tomorrow I have work but after that I can bring you to emergency and get an assessment for your condition. Good night and I love you so much.”

Around 4:30 in the morning, I was woken up by Theo standing beside my bed and grabbing my cell phone. I was shocked to see his light and aura filled with peace and he was glowing. But this light was outside of his crown chakra or head. I looked at his face and he was so peaceful and happy. It was remotely different from his situation yesterday. But deep in the pit of my stomach, I knew there was something wrong. I immediately called his dad and brother and left a message that Theo needs company, because I cannot stay with him and I have work that day.

I proceeded to get up and was frustrated to why he woke me up. I asked Theo, “are you okay? Why were you grabbing my cell phone?” He did not answer my question, to what was he doing with my cell phone. He then told me that he was going to confess something to me. He said that he was flying to Manila and meeting a woman and other secrets that they had. I said to him, “do not judge Theo. You need a good fuck in the head!” Then, we both laughed hard. He hugged me so tight and told me, “you are the most beautiful and kind loving woman I know ma. I love you.”

I told him to lie down in the couch and sleep because he had not been sleeping good lately. As he was sleeping I spent two hours editing, Cosmic Soul which was close to the publishing date. But something happened, I was not able to save it and it disappeared from my files. I was in shock, but I needed to come to work. As I walked out the door, Theo said his goodbye to me and said our last, “ I love you” to each other.

I proceeded to work, and I told my student nurse about my son and that I needed to text him during the day. Theo and I were exchanging messages. I kept repeating to him not to go to his computer and go for a walk in nature. His father was able to see him and brought him spaghetti and coffee. Theo was able to say his love and good bye to his dad that morning.  

Around lunch time, I did not get a respond from Theo. I decided to call him, during that time he was walking in the street near our place. According to the investigation, he took his clothes off and ran towards the freightliner and it hit his head and sustained massive brain injury.

I did not anticipate suicide as I was asking him if he was suicidal? And he will strongly say, “ no ma.” I took that as a sign that he was in control of his mental functions. Theo and I had been through so many counseling throughout his childhood.

I was daily journaling after Theo passed away for about two months. Then, suddenly I felt that I could not do it. I focused on my own healing journeys with clients and myself. I finished my last year as a full time nurse in 2018 of Nov I retired.

On May 2019 I was able to publish the Cosmic Soul, a journey of my Akashic Records and how to access your own book of life. In March 2020, I was in Oahu, Hawaii and was revealed to me that I have another book coming. The Collective Awakening was published in Dec 2020 which is about my fear, illusions, attachments and it was so fitting with Covid 19 and to what is happening in our world and collective consciousness right now.

The virus is a metaphor of our virus of the soul. It is contagious, amplified and creates rippling effects to our collective. What is the virus of the soul? They are those secrets, lies and deceptions that we keep in our DNA or family dynamics. This is passed on through all generations in our karmic bond, if we don’t stop this insanity we will never ascend. We will stay in this pool of darkness.

Yesterday, I wrote to my family. To open a new chapter of my life. I value and respect all of my family members. I told them that I am going through dark night of the soul. I am writing about the mental tortures and suicide of my son Theo. They are very supportive to me. I don’t know how others can deal with this dilemma if not for my family and friends. I will not be here.

This tragic personal story is very difficult to write. As I write these words my whole being goes through deep sadness. But it feels different, I feel the strength of Theo within me. I have the courage to face my deepest wound. For me, my life is not personal it is a fractal of the collective consciousness of humanity. The only way I know is to share this deep pain and how I can help others find strength and courage in the midst of darkness. I was born this way.

I am stronger when I am provoked by shadows. I am a dragon slayer, like Theo he was our hero especially for those people that he gave his four organs: liver, lungs and two kidneys. He remains a hero for us his family and friends. Why? Because he is teaching us how to be more kind and compassionate for those who are dealing with mental health issues. He tells us to be courageous and authentic to every one we meet. You see, this is Theo. He will never leave you in the midst of challenges. He will correct your views to help you find clarity and mastery of your soul. He loved you deeply. He was authentic and genuine. He asks for forgiveness when he makes mistakes. He was able to give a good fight with his addictions. He had a huge dream. He damn save his money and dreamt of financial freedom for his family. He wanted to protect me and those people that he loved most.

When he was a teenager, I adopted two of his friends and girl friend. They lived with us. At first I said to Theo, “ do you know that I am a struggling single mom. I worked for 16 hours to provide for all of you.” Then he said to me, “ma they have no one.” I loved Theo so much that I opened my home to more children. I became their second mom.

This is Theo and his legacy. I was struggling for four nights, I could not sleep. I feel sick mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Because I feel like I am back to square one. I am relieving this nightmare.

But through all of this I asked for support from my family, students and friends. I walk in nature. I know how to take care of myself. I learned how to love myself.

This is a story of the dark night of the soul. I asked God, “why did I sign up for this?” The answer are here in my words. I am here to enlighten the soul when it is experiencing darkness. I am like a lighthouse for those who are suffering. I said to God, I like my life simple and free. But why I have to face these shadows? God revealed to me, that because of my deep love like how Theo loves me. I give it all. I don’t do anything halfway. It is either you have it from me or not. I cannot take fake people who proclaim that they are spiritual healers yet they cannot talk about their own shit.

In all my writings, I do not swear but with this story I will. Just like our last day with Theo. Our immediate family were dancing and singing to Drake’s music because Theo loves to dance. We were ushering him to his paradise.

While we were singing, I asked my children did Drake just swear? My daughter told me, “ ma you can swear now your son is dying.” And I did.

“Started from the bottom, now were here. Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here.”

(Song phrase from Drake)

This is Self-care that I created for Theo, I did not realize it was for me. This is how the world operates, you are giving someone and yet it was you that receives the essence of love. Giving takes us to a space of eternity. Give with all your heart and soul, never expecting something in return. In the end, that is what matters. Have you given all of your love and soul?

Today, I look back after three years and resurrect our tragedy with the eyes of love. To rebirth the story of my beloved son Theo. That in every darkness hides the love of God that is the divine Light. We are experiencing darkness because we need to see and reconnect to the eternal Light. We are here to experience the dichotomy of life.

Our incarnation is a magical journey of creation. Every story we weave, we find actors that will enact our fate. As Theo’s best friend sent me this message last night. He tattooed their fave philosophy of life, “amor fati.” We are here destined to experience whatever it is, suffering or happiness. It is up to us to choose love. No fear or shadows have the capacity and power to illuminate our collective.

“May you find love deep within your soul. May you be at peace with your life.”

Self- care plan when experiencing challenges

Self-love starts with a care plan to help you navigate, when you are vulnerable while going through some dark nights of the soul. You need to understand that it calls for a break or retreat to create a new pattern in your consciousness.

It is hard to believe, but it all starts with detachment. For example, you find yourself triggered by others beliefs and opinions about yourself. You react and find that you are disturbed, not happy and reacting to their opinions of you.

Breathe, be still and know that it is a sign for you to stop. Reactions are signs that you are not in your element. You are disturbed and your natural state is peaceful. Somewhere along the way, you become vulnerable and easy to react.

When one is not at peace, one has fear. Because fear gives a state of separation, we are not attune to oneness and love. So when we react it means that there is fear hidden behind the mask of reactions. Vulnerability will get us there, bringing out the core of our frustrations and anger. We sometimes become obsessed with our reactions and situations become out of control.

How can we help ground ourselves back into our body and understand where are these triggers are coming from? How can we release them in our consciousness? What are the roots of these triggers?

Questions that can help you assess and see clearly what is going on without getting involve emotionally and worked up mentally. It helps us in our understanding, how did we get to that space of confusion. When we stop and ask questions to be in a space of understanding.

Steps in helping yourself when you are in a toxic situation:

1. Be light on yourself. Do not take things seriously. Laugh at yourself.
2. Know what triggers you, understanding yourself can create a space of letting go.
3. Take a walk, ground yourself in nature.
4. Breathe, create a habit of meditation. This helps you detach from all your thoughts and become an observer of your thoughts. Do not identify with them.
5. Nothing is permanent, know that even this situation will pass by.
6. Flow with what you have, stop resisting but flow like water.
7. Take it easy on yourself. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people.
8. Embrace your shadows and integrate them with yourself. Knowledge is a tool.
9. Things happen when you least expected. Be flexible.
10. Rewrite your life story with empowerment. You are a leader in your own field.
11. Create and build from your creative self-expression. Be who you are.
12. You are complete and wholesome. Everything you need is within you.
13. Love and serve others. Great tool to let go of depression.
14. You are here for a purpose. Be happy.
15. Forgive and let go. Cutting the cords to help you become light and free from the old story.
16. Inspire others. You have a gift within you that only you can give. Shine!!
17. Ask for help and prayers.
18. See someone that you trust and will not judge you.
19. Rest your mind.
20. Light a candle, create a sacred space in silence. Commune with God/Higher Power.
21. Write or journal your thoughts. This is cathartic.
22. BE