20 Feb Letting Go and let God

Feb 20, 2010

This was written when my papa was in comatose and I flew to Manila, Philippines. He transitioned during my flight. I knew he passed on as suddenly for no reason, tears were flowing from my eyes and my heart was broken. As if my cellular level of existence knew that my papa had said good bye to Mother Earth and myself. These words are so close to my heart as I write our love story for “Sacred Sexuality.”

As I write in this space, my heart is heavy and dense. There is a void deep within me that says I’m quite not right. There is a voice that speaks “you’re going to be okay, stay grounded!” You are prepared to experience this, and everything will be all right. Receiving a message from my loved ones in the Philippines that my father is in comatose brought me to this condition.

For the last few nights, I was dreaming of coffins three days in a row and brushed them off because I didn’t want to pay attention to death. Then the other night I felt there was someone in my room I thought it was my mama and was asking if I want to see her and I said no it’s okay, I’m not ready. It’s quite surreal now that I look back and all the signs were there. Today I got a kitten from the Animal Rescue, and he is home with us his name is Oscar. He is my angel, he purred and slept on my chest last night keeping vigil for my peace.

I looked back to my memories and it’s quite funny how I spent half of my lifetime in this “victim consciousness” without looking at the bigger picture that my souls purpose lies deep within this pain. My father’s contract is bigger than what I think it was for me to learn the lessons of forgiveness and love. Our life lies in this paradox, everything that I learn seems to be the opposite of what I know, it is the lessons from the heart that seems to matter at the end. My knowledge doesn’t complete me and the wisdom that lies from my experiences are the ones that my soul is longing for.

With this perception I learn that my heart matters more than what my brain knows. It is the heart of humanity that energizes my life force, my power and connection to this lifetime. It is the heart after all that beats and pulsates in our physical being that says this is it, you had enough, and the end is now. How can we be so blindsided to what matters most in this lifetime?

In letting go I learn to connect to my breathe and just be. My soul is at peace knowing that truly no one dies because our souls are eternal. We lose sight of their physical presence, but their spirit is with us. We are one, fragmented mirrors of ourselves. Our lesson here is commitment to experience love, in whatever field we do we are messengers of love. The choice is ours and when we hold to pain, we blocked this message, we become attune to fear and no one can reach us. Attaching to our pain is the biggest stumbling block in our healing. Our perceptions is marred by suffering and we create more pain by attracting this in our fields. We need to open our hearts and bring in the new template of love and letting go of pain. Forgiving our enemies and allowing love to penetrate our cellular memory to heal the wounds that lie deep within us.

There is nothing that you cannot forgive, it is the ego that tells you the other way around, listen to your heart not your mind. For the mind is blind and the heart is the path to truth. Release the suffering and celebrate life every moment with your loved ones, strangers and friends. We are only here for borrowed times; nothing is permanent. Take the time to be with your loved ones not in working for material success. Your times well spent with loved ones are the treasures of the heart not the success of this world.

Let go and let God handle my affairs of the heart. My attachment to pain is gone and I allow this experience to rejoice and celebrate the lifetime gift of my Papa to me, I am who I am right now because of him, forgiving and loving soul. To you my Papa I celebrate my life!