21 Oct Abortion when I was 15

Writing this chapter is not easy as it brings back the pain and horrendous experience of my past. But I am called to express and share my darkness to help others enlighten their path. That there is hope in darkness, and only when you reach out and ask God or the Universe for help that you will be able to overcome this in your life.

My incarnation’s karma is about sexual abuse, I had a sacred contract with my father and that I will incarnate here to help others heal their souls. I had experienced sexual abuse right at the get go as an infant. Having nightmares in the middle of the night for 27 yrs that I was being invaded in my private part as an infant. I will wake up and see my self lying in a table while men where touching my private part. Then when I was 27, I went back home to Philippines. My older sister told me that our neighbor’s sister had killed herself because of incest from her brothers. I was in shock, I felt this heaviness was lifted off my body. I did not realized that the nightmares that I was experiencing was connected to our neighbor that used to babysit me when I was an infant. This self-realization stopped my incessant nightmares. I was free from this fear. Our body has this cellular memory and our dreams relay to us what we needed to heal. That was just a start in my healing journey.

Then I had this secrecy with my own father, when I was a child around 6 yr old till I was 12, my Papa will ask me to come inside his room. He told me, “this is our secret, don’t tell anyone. I am giving you these fruits because you are special. ” As a child, I thought that was our special time together. He would ask me to come to his room after school hours, he would ask me to take off my shirt, because it was hot. Then, he would offer these fruits beside the bed where I would lie down and watched tv. I would eat the fruits without looking at him. He would sit down in a chair in the corner of the room. He never touched me and I was always closed to my father. He was a singer and I would grow up sitting in his lap and would sing songs to me. My childhood was normal until the age of 14 when I had a boyfriend.

My boyfriend would dare me, that I am not a virgin anymore because I would not go to him in the motel. At this time my parents left for Los Angeles, California as immigrants. They left me with my brother who was abusive towards me. He would slapped my face after school and would accuse me that I was making out with my boyfriend. He would humiliate me in front of my family and would laugh at me. I was mad at his behaviour. I wrote letters to my parents but were never mailed and were kept by my brother. This was the first dark night of my soul. I took revenge, I went with my boyfriend on the birthdate of my brother. I lost my virginity due to revenge.

I got pregnant, my family was shocked. My parents decided to come back to Philippines to clear the situation. My boyfriend was seriously in love with me, but I was not. He wanted to marry me but I refused. My family decided that if I am not marrying this guy, I will have abortion. I wanted to have my baby but I was not given this chance.

One day, my brother and sister took me out of our home. They told me that they are bringing me out. They did not tell me that they were conspiring to take me to an illegal abortionist. I was in shock to enter this house of the abortionist. There were fetuses inside these mason jars on top of the altar. The woman inserted a catheter inside my uterus. Then, she told us to go home. In the middle of the night, I was in so much pain. I was bleeding and the fetus expelled from my vagina while I was in the toilet. I was screaming for help. My sister helped me through this tragedy. I was hemorrhaging, my brother wrapped me in a blanket and ran in the street of Manila. Looking for a cab, we found one and they took me back to the abortionist house.

I lied down and the abortionist did a DNC without anaesthesia. I was in agony. My spirit left my body. The abortionist told me, “You are the only person that did not scream in pain.” I did not have pain because I left my body. I was in shock.

After that trauma, my siblings brought me back to my parents home. I was in deep depression. I did not leave my room for one month. I was suicidal. I blamed God for everything. I asked God, “why did you bring me back to life when I was 2 yr old? If I am only suffering in this lifetime?” There was no answer. My strong faith kept me sane. I was not able to kill myself.

You would think that after this trauma that my life would be lighter? But it did not go that way. I was taken to the country side to hide me from the public. My family was ashamed of me. Then one lunch time, my Papa asked me to lie down in bed. I was not aware what he was going to do with me. But for some reason, I am asking myself why am I here and why am I following my father’s request? Then, he sucked my left breast. I was in shock, I screamed so loud and ran to my mother. Telling her the story and said to me, ” you are just dreaming, that did not happened.” I was so furious at my Mama for not believing me and not defending me agains my own father. That was the start of my darkness in my sexuality. I was never the same, I was filled with pain and anger. I took responsibility of the abortion in my soul. I prayed to Mother Mary for help. I was a practicing Catholic when this happened. I prayed for my soul.

This is a snippet of my long history of battles with my soul’s healing. I am sharing this to help others realize that you are not alone in this path. I am a wounded healer. I was able to tap into my highest potential which is to help others heal. I am here to help you with your challenges. If I can do this, you can do it too! You are never alone. Today I am focused on what God wants me to do in this healing journey. I have the gifts of wisdom and healing. If you can relate with my story, you can come to me for help. Together with my Masters of Light, I can assist you to have a better life and understanding of your soul’s journey. Call me and I will be there with you in your darkness into Light. Sending blessings of hope, love and faith to the survivors of sexual abuse. You are here for a higher purpose. You are loved.

xo

Teza