31 Jul Darkness into light

As I sit here in RCH Mental Health unit, I asked myself, “how I created this?” It is such a poignant timeline to be here. It is a full circle of my lifetime, but this time I volunteered to be here. “What triggered this timeline?” I feel I wanted to write and share this to you at the last chapter of this book, “Darkness Into Light.”

During my tumultuous timelines of not being able to ground myself, I have the tendency to be a faery, to fly from mundane things that keep us grounded. To be a mermaid to flow with the waves of my emotional body and now to ground something that is truly heart breaking and soul wrenching pain of losing my son. 

I realized that for all those 5 yrs I never really took time to stop, feel my griefs and allow these turbulent emotions that I kept secretly hidden in my heart chambers. This mental health nervous breakdown that happened, I was caught off guard by these enormously massive griefs that had been sitting quietly in my heart. I was brought down to ground zero. I was furious in hellish moments that no one dare to stop my son from being hit by a freightliner when he ran towards it. He was naked and totally freed his soul with his spirit so high, he went forward to the most crushing times of my life. His freedom from his body was my insanity to this body. You will probably feel this intensity when you read this book. But I want to leave you with imprints of rebirth, new life and death is a new door to our spiritual domain. A next exit to what is. 

Everything that I did after Theo’s death is to procrastinate writing this book. Because I know that I would have lose my sanity if I attempted to face this tragedy. It was all divine synchronicity that I am now able to do this. What I learned is that I needed to be gentle and easy with myself. Working was one of those escapism that I created. I could not stop working, it can be book projects, crystal shop or anything that can consume my time and energy. But when I volunteered myself here, I realized this is the time to face these shadows. I was losing sleep and appetite, the mere signs that I am not balance and grounded. 

For whatever reason, my inner child spirit came out and confused me with Theo’s spirit and myself. There was a triad spirit that were talking to me all at the same time. I was not able to discern the difference of being balance and what grounded means. I lost my sanity. Prior to that, I was initiated into a shamanic healing circle, that happened on top of Ascension Rock in Mt Shasta. There was a circle of Indigenous women around me. I lost my consciousness and saw the rock as an eagle. This eagle took me for a trip, I felt I was at the back of the eagle soaring the landscape of Mt Shasta. It was intense and powerful. I felt that I was in a rapture, exulting the grandiosity of it all. The shamans around me morphed into the ancestors. Their faces became old, and they all gave me the medicine that I needed. It was transformational. 

Cidalia, a great soul sister of mine was with me, we drove back on our way home to Vancouver. We were in awe of these miraculous events that happened between us. We almost lost gas on our way and ended up staring at star constellations and the Milky Way right at Cannon beach. With blankets, shaman rattles and fire embers that were left by previous beach lovers, we nestled in the darkness of the night. 

While driving back home in the morning, we met four beautiful souls waiting for morning coffee. We ended up giving them crystals and miracles just connected us together. There was an interference between the waves. As we came home safely, I knew there was something off. That night Tristan my son stayed to see me asleep. When he left, I was attacked by a reptilian energy and almost felt like rape, it was dark and unnecessary. The next morning, I told my daughter Tiff, and they took me out of my apartment. 

During the day, I was high as a kite. Nobody can ground me. I was experiencing the spirit of my son Theo. And in the final stage of my delirium. I thought I was the 2-year-old spirit of myself when I had a near death experience at the age of two. It was intense, and now I realized that I was possess by this malevolent spirit. My children called 911, and it was a heart-breaking experience to see my children traumatized by me. And so, I asked them to bring me to the hospital. 

After spending 2 weeks here, I now found solace. I was able to accept that mental health is crucial. To be balance, grounded and be present to what is unfolding here without judgement and guilt. To know that all is well at the end of the day. There is this core feeling that I mattered. No one can give you this, but you have to claim it for yourself. That whatever happened to you, like losing my son. It’s ok to be mad and let it all out. Because you are the only who can navigate this dark night of the soul. By allowing others to support you, you will free your own self from any delusions. You don’t need to carry the world upon your back. You are always provided, loved, and supported when you allow others to come in your intimate space and be one. We are fractals of everything. Together we can turn any darkness into light. Light is truth, truth is light. Let there be light in your hearts. Be free of pain and sufferings. Be here now. 

Blessings and miracles,

Teza and Theo