25 Dec A dark Christmas Night

I went to work in the nursing home this morning. My co-worker asked me if I heard that Bernita’s son Stephen passed away? I said that could not be, I was just communicating with him. She said the staff saw it in the newspaper. I checked Jack’s facebook his father and yes it was true. The fun loving, intelligent and kind soul Stephen has left us on Dec 15^th 2021. I was in shocked, tears rolling down my eyes. I showed Tersam my Instagram message on Dec 14^th.

Stephen liked one of my picture, and said hello to him I asked for his mother’s number and he gave it to me. The next day, he died it was so hard to believe it as he was the most fun loving guy that I know. I called his mom and met her after work. Sat with her for three hours. It was like relieving your story Theo.

It is Christmas eve now. I got up and chose to finish your book. I don’t think there will be an end to our story Theo. The longer I prolong this, I feel the darkness of the parents and family that was left here. I have this innate calling to talk to the teens in the school. To show them how painful it is for the loved ones who were left, to bear the excruciating pain of losing someone from mental health illness and end their lives from suicide. It feels like a sword right cut through my throat, a deep hole in my heart, empty and dark. This is the space where we go when we lose our child. Then, the guilt, shame and what ifs endless questions asking what did I miss, what I could have done to prevent this from coming, why???

On Dec 23^rd I did a sacred ritual for you Theo. I went to Crescent beach and brought our family’s pictures your ancestors, crystals, 12 red roses and the dragon tapestry that you loved. I lit up a candle and scattered your ashes in the ocean. It was freedom. I felt your ashes in my hands and it was enigmatic. I felt all those memories that we had when you were alive. I let go of all the painful memories that bonded us in these last 4 yrs. Tonight I asked God to please guide me through the next chapters of my life. To help me gain strength and courage to be a voice for those who lost their loved ones. To give hope, light and love to someone that is contemplating of suicide. I can do something about this, I can be a light.

I thank you Mark, Theo and Stephen for waking me up from this nightmare. That there is something that I can do. Your lives are not in vain. You are all eternal souls in the Book of Life. We are here together co-creating these chapters of our lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul for choosing us your parents to be a witnessed of this courageous love, to battle the darkness into light. We are the light bearers. We are here to make a difference in someone’s dark night of the soul. I love you Theo so much. You never left, you stayed right here in my heart and soul. I love you anak.