23 Dec Triggers of Griefs

I just got home from the funeral service of Vincent Banhaw, the father-in-law of my son Tristan. Vanessa’s dad was a story of father’s love, kindness and will power. Vincent was a great father to my daughter-in-law Vanessa and Ton. The church service was at Our Lady of Mercy where we held Theo’s celebration of life 4 yrs ago.

I was triggered. I got home and started crying. I ended up cleaning my home because this is the way I like to put things in order. It is a way for me to know that I will be in order as well. Clear space, clear mind. I finished my anchor podcast and cried more as I share the memories that was excavated from my memory bank. It was about my Mama and how I saw her trying to kill herself in the long, dark road in B.F. Resort Village where we used to live when I was 13 yr old. It was too heavy for me to see my Mama in despair. One time, I went home from school and found her sitting on the kitchen floor. She was pouring beer on herself. I was in shock. I thought she was in sane. She was in deep pain for staying with my Papa who was a womanizer, alcoholic and sexual abuser. This is a hard description of my Papa who I adored, but this is the truth. My papa was Gemini, twin personalities. He was an actor, singer and I grew up with music in the air. We lived in a huge Spanish homes, it was enchanting for me as a little girl. I had 6 brothers and 3 sisters. We were a tribe. I chose to divorce my parents at 14 yr old. I went to live with my sister Angela and told her that I can’t stand them anymore. They were always fighting and seeing my mama trying to kill herself was a nightmare for me.

I am not sure why I am telling this to you, I guess because my story is like my parents. I married an alcoholic and womanizer at the age of 19. I repeated the same pattern. Theo was also an addict personality. It was hard to see him ruin his life. Through all his darkness, I was there with him. Crying and begging him to get some help. He would do it at times but will go back to his addictions to drugs, alcohol and women. During the last yr of his life, I witnessed him in a different space. He let go of his ego. His hair was longer. He let go of his car and walked. He also let go of his full time job. There was something deep that is happening within him. He mentioned to Tiffany, my daughter that he was having illusions and paranoia the week before his death.

His mental illness was hidden. I took him to countless hours of counseling when he was a child of 10. When we found out that he was bullying his sister. It was also Christmas around that time, I was super stressed out getting called in the principal’s office and finding out that Tiffany reported that Theo was abusing her. I was in so much pain. That night, I had a visitation from my niece Moneth who passed away that Nov 27, 1997. She was pregnant only 27 yrs of age. Her baby died with her, they named the baby Justhius after the song, “Just the Two of Us.”

She was sitting at the foot of my bed with her baby. She told me not to worry that everything will be okay. She was saying to me, “you were shopping this grey sweater.” Then she pulled a trick on me, there was a mouse that came out of the Christmas bag and I literally jumped and woke from the dream. When I woke up, the house was dark. We had a black out. I got scared and called my sister Nitz and she told me that Moneth had been showing up in the dreams of her friends. It was comforting to know. I was closed to my niece, it was devastating to lose her.

I went into a deep depression. I closed my bedroom for a month and cannot function as a mother. I was a hermit. This was triggered today when I was studying the Tarot oracle cards. It activated those memories when I was in the dark night of the soul. But somehow, from this darkness, I rise up. I welcome these dark nights. Because I know that I am so close to God when I am in silence. I find myself in a higher state of ecstasy longing for God’s company. This is sacred. Face your own darkness. They are treasures in the dark.

I was grounded, I took videos and pictures to commemorate Vincent’s life. We are so impermanent here on mother earth. Let us live in the moment and know what is meaningful to us. I ask you to contemplate, reflect on what gives you light, happiness and joy. This will direct you to the people that you want to surround yourself with. They will be there for you in the long haul. They love you and allow them to love you. We are so blessed to experience this gift of love.

Today was a trigger but it helped me write these memories of pain and turned them into lessons of life. Our parents can be wronged but we owe to them our lives. Without them we will not be here. So I ask you to bless them, in blessing we receive this divine grace. It is about forgiving and letting go of the harm that was done to us.

In our lives we will experience pain and suffering, but we always have the choice to take the higher road. Make something beautiful for God. Mother Teresa was my beautiful mentor in living a life of service. To help others, I face love with Jesus. I have Jesus consciousness in my sacred heart. This was activated today in the church. I honored those days that I went diligently to masses. I was in love with the church. My children grew up as altar boys and girl. They served our religion.

But things happened and changed, I decided to stay away from any religions. I became spiritual. I realized God lives within me. I don’t need a structured religion of any kind to make me love God. I am a fractal of God’s light. I don’t have any animosity towards people who are religious. I was once a religious person. It gave me a strong faith and I believe in Higher Power. But this time, I chose to just be. Be me and be free of any rules, constrictions and doctrines. I believe in love, light and healing. Only good thoughts are allowed in my mind. This helps me heal my pain, I surrender to God my sufferings. To use me as a vehicle of light. To help those who are going through the darkness. That they may be reminded that this too shall passes away.

I know God is here with me, typing away these words to help, heal and comfort your sorrows. But I also know that words sometimes is not necessary to feel that you care for someone. Your touch, pat in the shoulder and looking into their eyes with compassion is enough. Enough for now. This grieving process is not written in stone. It flows like the tears that are uncontrollable. It just is. It does not matter when or how. But open your arms to receive these tears. They are washing away your pain. They are the love that overflows within your heart that cannot be contained within because of your infinite love for your beloved ones.

Let these tears flow and create some space to breathe. Breathing in a new fresh air to fill your lungs with more love. We are vessels of love. When we let go, surrender to God we create more space within us. We allow miracles to heal us. This is a portal where we are reached by the angelic realm. They come to us when we ask and surrender. They bring healing to our brokenness. Archangel Raphael and the Green Emerald Ray of Light heals us. Our holographic matrix, bio-ethereal fields and crystalline fields to help us ascend in this lifetime.

Let us prepare our soul to heal and be with the Source of Light when we pass this physical dimension. It starts by being compassionate to ourselves. When we are grieving, honor your grief. Spend some quiet times with yourself. This silence will connect you to your loved ones. You can feel them. Their spirit is here, call and talk to them as if they are here with you in mother earth. The spirit is boundless. We are eternal beings experiencing being human. What a marvelous flight! Be light and continue to love. Love those around you and be free of any guilt, shame and pain. You are not here to be stuck but to soar high like the eagles. They watched over us and give us a bigger picture of our lives. Be free, be light and be happy for your loved one is in a peaceful space with God.