15 Mar It hurts to remember

Today as I was driving, my grief was coming up. I can feel the pain from my heart, breaking me open. I said to Theo, no I can not feel this way right now. I want to take a break from melting down, I want to have a rest from grief. There is something about grief when it starts coming up. I feel alone, in a dark space. I feel broken hearted. I can see your beautiful smile and your handsome body that you have taken care of consistently…but now is gone, never again to appear in my eye sight.

It is a shame when this happened so unexpectedly. I am now peeling away the layers of denial and shock. It hurts Theo, because I took care of you. You were fragile, and never in my reality that this will end up like this. There is something that was taken away from my heart and will never be the same. I know for sure that you are here, your spirit is with me but this pain of not having you around physically is unbearable. Everyday, I cry for not seeing you.

I feel that time stood still when you went into coma. My spirit left my body when you left, I am here but not all here. There is a splintered spirit from my soul that I can not explain. I can only feel the pain of deep longing…

The gift of this event was to value my time here on earth. To feel the present moment for I only have this. To love deeply, to let go of attachments and judgement. I am free to create what makes me happy. To stop resisting the flow of life and to just be, to take care of myself with gentleness and kindness. To be easy and staying present when grief says hello back to me.

Thank you so much for loving me and leaving me with this love. Your glowing face, when I woke up and see you standing beside me before you had the accident..it is unforgettable. I felt fear, I knew that you were leaving. Thank you for that moment of our precious love. I love you Theo, sweet dreams.