30 Mar I ask God why I have to write Theo’s Story

I took a break from darkness, the sun shines into my heart this morning. There is lightness in the air. Last night, I shared a sacred space with my soul sisters in zoom. We released heaviness and things that do not serve us in the full moon energy. I was tired and passed out in bed with my beloved cats.

I drove to my sacred portal Crescent beach and walked for two hours. It was low tide and what a great communion with the ocean. I am recharged and rejuvenated. I was talking with God and Theo. I have a feeling of resistance to write about his story. I asked God, “why do I need to go back to this story that broke my heart? It is so painful that when I start reminiscing, my heart aches again as if it was just yesterday.

Time did not heal my wound. I just suppressed it for three years. I was busy with healing others except myself. I ran so far away from it. I created a front and denied my pain. It was my defense mechanism, I knew that I was not ready.

The answer that was given to me was this story is not personal. I am not the only one who is experiencing this difficult situation. I signed up for this because I wanted to help others. Theo was my sacred contract to experience the dark night of the soul. I am a vehicle so others can feel light and to give hope. If I can do it, others can do it.

I gain clarity. My intention is to share my darkness to help others in their path. To reach out to those who are experiencing depression and for those who lost their loved ones due to mental illness/suicide that there is hope, light, peace and miracle that we receive from divine grace when we let go and surrender our burden. We can only take one day at a time. Or moment at a time, to be here in whatever state you are in. To flow with your emotions and allow yourself to heal. We all go through this in many different ways but what is important is that we honor our pain. We understand that we can only take so much and that we can come back again and pick up the pieces where we left off.

I asked permission to Theo before I started writing his story. Because I am telling the story from my own perception and experiences with him. Others would have a different story about Theo. He told me, “it is okay ma, go ahead. You will help a lot of people.” I am not naming others in this story to respect others privacy. I will keep the focus on how we had lived for almost 33 yrs.

Suicide and hell

Suicide has a lot of taboo. We as a society have so much judgements around our mental illness and suicide. In other religion, you are deem to be in hell when you die due to suicide. When did we ever have the right to judge someone’s soul? Isn’t judging a sign of hellish behavior so what good does it do? Are we contributing to relieve the sufferings of the family? It is like adding insult to the injury when others judge about your loss.

I invite you to ask yourself, how are you helping those who need your support in times of crises? As humans we need to let go of our old beliefs. Who goes to hell or heaven after death is not our business? Hell and heaven is here with us when we act inhumane or supportive of those who are hurting. This act of killing themselves is a disease. It starts with mental instability or depression. They are not in their right mind when they commit this hideous act. It has nothing to do with what is right or wrong. They are suicidal because they lost their sense of self-worth. They are in a very dark place, desperate and delusional. Out of touch with this physical domain and they had lost their grounding. They are in so much pain and numbness that they feel they don’t want to stay here anymore. They are suffering in hell.

How can we judge these poor souls? We should be a shame of ourselves. Instead, let’s look at them with compassion, mercy and empathy. We cannot judge because we did not walk into their shoes.

Childhood sex abuse

Theo’s story started in sex abuse at a young age of three by his 12 yr old cousin. Our family was trying to move back to the Philippines when this happened. We left Theo to our family, unfortunately he was raped and physically beaten up by his cousin when no one was around.

This abuse was hidden to my knowledge. We received a phone call from my ex-husband’s sister that Theo had been abused. To pick him up as he was in shock. He was brought back after a year of abuse.

I was wondering why Theo was behaving so erratic when he came home to us. And then one day, during my nursing studies. We had a counselor that was a guest in our school. He was telling us the signs and symptoms of children who are abused. I had a “light bulb” moment. I went home and asked Theo at that time he was 7, if he was abused by his cousin? He said no. Then, I redirect the question towards the other cousin that was staying with them during his stay in Philippines. He told me all about the abuse that his cousin received. He was raped in his anus and was asked to perform a blow job to the perpetrator. He was beaten up with a steel rod and locked up in the room. While he was eating, he will throw up and his cousin will forced him to eat his vomitus. He will instill fear to him by showing a cat that was frozen in their freezer. I then asked Theo, “did he do this to you too?” He said, “yes.” We were sobbing, that was the hardest thing that I heard from my son. I felt so sick in my stomach. I was shaking and while I write these words, my whole body is shaking from sadness. No child should experience this inflicted pain. My heart ached for Theo.

Blog from Facebook Dec 5, 2017

Theo gives me the strength. I am his voice for what will unfold in my life. My spiritual warrior that he is, he brought our family and friends in a deeper level of what love means. All I can do is feel his love and magnify it with those around me. I can only choose love as the highest form of this experience..not pain. For love transcends any hurt or pain. It cracks open my heart and the heart of others. His love and memory lives in that cracked and broken heart. Making the heart’s space universal and can massively contain the love for others. I only have more because of my son’s physical loss..eternal love it is. Love you xoxo