26 Nov Darkness into Light

Introduction:

The journey of losing your son is very difficult and traumatizing. I have published 6 books to date but I cannot finish my book for Theo. When I start writing a chapter, I feel sick to my stomach and this deep sadness that is embedded within me lingers on. It is very painful to have this void in my heart. No matter how spiritual I am, I am still attached to my son’s life here on earth. It is beyond this physical dimension; it is cellular memories that were connected to his life and stories. I feel that a part of me is missing. His physical presence, kisses, voice and laughter are not here with me. I cannot touch and see his beautiful face. This is the part of Theo that I am missing every day of my life. How I kept my sanity and moved forward is the gist of this book. I want to share this journey to help myself release painful memories and to support others who are going through the same journeys. 

Writing is cathartic. It helps heal my wounds. This book started when Theo passed away on Nov 24^th, 2017. It had been 5 yrs and I have decided to continue and finish this book for the year 2023. But who really knows, sometimes I cannot concentrate with his story. I have lots of excuses. I did not want to face my darkest nights. 

I was having a hard time to make this simple. It is not simple at all. It has lots of darkness, twists and turns. So today as I was continuing to write, this title came into the air. “Darkness into light,” it was a walk that we did for suicide mental health awareness. It was few months after Theo passed away. My daughter Tiffany created a team to walk for this cause. It was very touching. We started early morning, it was dark, and we walked with lights in our hands. Walking as we thought of Theo and many others who lost their lives because of mental illness and chose to end their lives. Lots of tears…

After Theo passed away, I found that writing about our lives together makes it a little easier for me as I reminisced in our precious times together. Facebook had become my venue to blog almost daily for a month after Theo’s passing. I have kept in touch with my family and friends. I am like an open book. I treat my life as an instrument for others healing. I feel like a vessel to offer my own suffering, success and life to those who needed light and love. 

As I write about Theo, I was receiving a lot of messages from others. That I am helping them grieve about their loss while I talk about my stories. In honor of Theo, I had decided to blog and write about our bonding and unconditional love. To help others in their painful times and transformations. 

Then suddenly after few years I stopped writing about Theo. Today I picked up the story where I left from. These are messages of how I heal and traverse this journey of losing my own son. My intention in creating this is to help others who are going through their dark nights of the soul. Especially those who lost their loved ones due to mental health breakdown and suicide. 

We all grieve in different ways, there is no right or wrong. All we can hope is that the burden gets lighter and more loving towards ourselves. To be able to live in the present moment with open mind and heart. To be raw and vulnerable that we don’t carry anymore guilt or shame. As parents we cannot bear to lose our own children. They were from our flesh but know that their souls are from God. We had the blessings to take care of these precious children and we are all going to return to our home. Our children’s journey maybe cut away short, but their memories live in our hearts and souls eternally. 

May you find inner peace through these journeys. To allow the space of acceptance that your child’s soul is at peace in God’s kingdom. May you turn your sorrows into joy knowing that our child wants the best for our lives. To remember the great times when we laughed so hard, cried heavy, loved so deep and danced so freely. As parents we can rejoice in their memories of love and true happiness. These are my wishes for you, to take it one moment at a time. Cry, laugh, love, be angry, deny, be in shock but most of all, dance for they are dancing with you in paradise. 

This was written organically as we are all grieving as family. Never in my wildest dreams that my son Theo, will be taken away so soon. I am still in shock in so many ways, how to cope and live my life without him here physically as we had shared the same home for 33 years of his life. He never left me.

The biggest lessons that I had learn from losing Theo were so many and it will be revealed to you as you read through our stories. My spiritual warrior, hero, earth angel Theo is now in paradise, continually watching over us. He is alive in four people’s lives that we as family chose to donate his organs while Theo was in coma. Wow! What a miracle to witness that my son is alive in these people’s bodies. We had donated Theo’s two kidneys, liver and lungs. 

These stories are from the past, present recollections and messages that I received from Theo. Theo’s memories are imprinted in my heart’s consciousness, he is omnipresent in my life. His name means, a gift of God. 

My soul is expansive as I learned the gift of unconditional love from Theo. He dwells in my heart and soul. Truly my angel from heaven. Rest easy my fresh prince. I love you from the bottom of my heart and soul. 

Xoxo

Ma