29 Mar Embers of my heart

I looked back and remembered the times as family we went to the crematory. It was a rainy afternoon, I picked up Theo’s sweetheart Jenny. She flew all the way from Texas to be with us. Jenny and Theo were together when they were 18 years old. She lived in our home. She was our earth angel. As a single mother I worked 16 hrs a day as a nurse to provide for the needs of my children. Jenny became the caretaker of Tiffany and Tristan at home. She was with us for a year and half. Their relationship was dramatic and loving. It is like watching my love story with my marriage. They were very closed yet can not fully love with peace. Today my heart went through this experience of the cremation and remembered Jenny and Theo’s love story. It was sweet, pure and innocent. They were naïve and chose to stay together because of love. But the wounds of pain and anger still exist within.. This is a love story of wounded teens finding love in the midst of it. 

Theo had the guts to take Jenny in our house even though he was irresponsible himself. They had a miscarriage and named him Rylie. It was painful to see Theo cried for a week. I wrote something about this in the past. But today I will recall to you that day of cremation. We as family loved rituals. We find solace, peace and serenity when we are in a sacred ritual. That day we were told to wait in a room. It was cold. My heart was numbed and cold. Literally I don’t remember how it went but all I know is that Tiffany and I decided that we will be the one to touch Theo’s coffin and push the button for him to enter the chamber of fire. 

Tiffany read a chapter from Embers by Richard Wagamese on page 44 

From our very first breathe, we are in relationship. With that indrawn draft of air, we become joined to everything that ever was, is and ever will be. When we exhale, we forge that relationship by virtue of the act of living. Our breathe commingles with all breathe, and we are a part of everything. That’s the simple fact of things. We are born into a state of relationship, and our ceremonies and rituals are guides to lead us deeper into that relationship with all things. Big lesson? Relationships never end; they just change. In believing that lies to carry the freedom to carry compassion, empathy, love, kindness and respect into and through whatever changes. We are made more by that practice. 

I did not recall if I even speak. Maybe I did but it doesn’t matter anymore, all I remembered was blur like clouds in my head. I drove Jenny to the airport for her departure. We reminisced great memories of their love. I cried all the way through my home. I was like a walking zombie. Dead with the remains of Theo’s ashes. It is difficult to accept that Theo is now these ashes in my altar. His memory lives eternally. My heart had this void. It remains silent kept intact in the memories of my heart. 

The memories of our loved ones are precious. I treasured this life and I honored their existence beyond our 3D. They are here with us. In our mind, hearts and spirit. I wake up with a ritual. I light up candles all over my small apartment. Burn Palo Santo or sage, and smudge the walls of this home where Theo and I departed. This became my sanctuary of memories. He is alive in this home. You can feel his essence. Every corner has imprints of his love, kisses and hugs that he showered me daily. We had conflicts and anger at times and he comes back with, “I am sorry Ma.” I love Theo’s ability to admit that he was wrong. Ask forgiveness and start all over again. Our relationship was raw, authentic and honest. We tell it as it is. We face our demons. We conquer and we always go back to love. Today I will come back to this apartment with Milan my boyfriend to paint a new picture of love story. This time I have someone stronger than me. Milan brought me this love that conquers all. It is a long haul coz we just know each other for 9 months. But this feel like the love that I have with Theo, raw and willing to change and grow into love. I cannot have a relationship that is not founded in choices. I choose peace and love. In all my relations I want to leave a memory that is embedded in forgiveness, kindness, gentleness, compassion and love. It is meaningful for me. 

Theo reminds me of this love. He gives full attention to those that means to him. He made sure that the other person gets it. He will not leave you in the air. He wants to radically change your mind. He brings the best in you. He watched me and was proud of my healings. He said to me once, “Ma they don’t know what they are getting from you. You cost a millions dollars hehe” This is Theo in relations to others. He was there for you and me. Today I honor relations to all things. People, animals, plants and crystals they are all alive. I honor Mother earth Gaia and all her relationships with other planets and galaxies. We are a part of this cosmos. How big we are? I asked you to reflect on your relationships. Have you forgiven everyone that had harmed you? Let go of the old victim story, be a warrior of truth and light. Live your life with dignity, integrity and truth. Be free. 

Tiffany’s artwork titled Embers 

This painting explores the complexity of fire and its metaphoric relationship with life and death. “Fire symbolizes light, survival and life. Stranded and deserted, often we look for fire to keep us alive. Yet, fire also symbolizes devastation and death; the burning and disintegration of a body, leaving only the remains.” In loving memory of my brother, Theodore Terence Hill.

Hill, 14/12/2017