19 Dec After 3 yrs of Theo’s passing

Dec 18, 2020

Tonight I read my last entry three years ago, how time flies. I was about to publish my 4^th book Collective Awakening but it didn’t materialized. It would be coming out next year Jan 2021. I stayed away from writing about Theo because I didn’t want to feel the pain. I work on my personal care, went back to work and retired on 2018. Theo gave me the gift of time! I realized that time is the true wealth that we have, not materials or money but it is how you spend your time?

He inspired me to do the things that I want to create without limiting myself. I love to write and this is what I focused on. My passion is to express myself, the guidance that I receive from the Masters of Light and share this to the world. I became a master of my own self. I created a loving relationship with my own self. Tonight I could truly say that I love myself unconditionally. I have self-acceptance. I became gentle, kind and compassionate to me. This is what I learned from losing my son.

I turned my sorrows into becoming a better person. I revered Theo’s life by embracing his personal strengths like being focus, discipline, minimalist, authentic, prioritizing myself and spending time to those who matters to me. These are the gifts that he left my heart and soul. I always feel that he is walking, driving and working beside me. There are no moments that I forget him. His presence is in my spirit. When I exercise I even feel him cheering for me. I could see his smile in the background and I get inspired more to live longer for my grandchildren.

Ever since he left me physically, his spirit is ever present. So I can truly say that we do not die. We die physically and return to mother earth our ashes. But our spirit is eternal, omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent like God or the Source. We are ONE, living multi-dimensionally in this incarnated body is the most fascinating roller coaster of my life.

Today as I was doing a healing session, I felt the calling to write and I am so happy that I am back to Theo’s messages again. That was a long hibernation away from finishing this book for him. I guess I needed some time to heal. But being honest to you, this kind of wound is probably will be with me till the day I die. This deep cut in my heart, is like DNA connected. Imagine your child grew up in your womb for 9 months? How can you release something that is a part of your DNA, every pulse, every breathe you took was with him in the conception stage. It is this mother’s love and bonding that will be the most karmic of all connection. Just like my connection with my own mother.

The other day I dreamt of my Mama, I was brought back to my childhood where I grew up in the Philippines. I was in the stair case and I was feeling the heart beats of my Mama but she was dying. I felt the love from her. When I woke up I felt so much love. My Mama was my first spiritual guide when she passed away on 2004. But when Theo passed away he became my strong protector and guide.

When I am driving, I always see his numbers in front of me. Sometimes it is 33 or 1984 when he was born, so surreal when this happened. One day while I was in LA and I was telling my friend Raziel about his death. Suddenly, in front of us was a car’s plate num that says Theo and his song Passion Fruit from Drake was playing in the parking lot. I took a picture of the plate number and the owner of the car came and asked why I was taking a picture and told him the story of Theo. He was touched and felt connected to his heart.

Random things like this happened to me with strangers. There was another occasion in the nursing home, while I was admitting a patient. I was talking to his daughter who was holding a baby boy. After the interview I took her to the elevator and asked, what is the name of her baby? She said, “Theo.” I was shocked and could not help myself and tears rolled down from my face. She asked me and I told her about my loss. She turned around and touched my shoulders, she said, “I am so sorry I also lost my sister who was only 27 yrs old. I can relate to your pain. I am so sorry.” Our vulnerability is a gift to the spirit. When I open, the other person opens up too. This is the gift of being human and sharing your vulnerability. I learned to just be and open up. It is one way of releasing your pain. As human beings, we should allow ourselves to be present and to express how we truly feel.

Tonight I will be writing more about Theo and will continue to share my path of healing my griefs in losing him. Today I received a message from a friend that they lost his nephew through depression. It is truly sad that we are losing our loved ones when there are a lot of interventions that we can offer to those who are suffering in mental health. There is so much taboo that as a society we are still hiding this darkness. We should be able to reach out and tell someone that we need help and not to be ashamed of our delusions. To know that someone can help us when we are suffering.

That is why it is important for all of us to share our own darkness. This way we can illuminate our mind and others. It is natural for us to be in a state of depression when we are keeping emotions that harm us. When we are not able to express our anger or abuse, we tend to suppress our feelings. Then, this lead to mental breakdown. Nobody should suffer alone, there is always a light when we can reach out and be vulnerable. So if you are reading this chapter, please share this to others to help them in their dark night of the soul. This is my intention in writing this painful story of my life.

May the Divine Light shine upon you. To heal your wounds, lift your spirit and be able to dance with joy in remembering the love that you share with you departed loved ones. And so it is.