09 Apr Can I unsacred the sacred?

As I go through my Karma clearing sessions, my sexual partner messaged me. It had been thirteen times and three yrs that I had tried to separate myself from this union. I realized that this man was my healer through my grieving process. He appeared when I needed some medicine. I kept this as a secret from my family. Because I know he cannot open his heart.

Why do you think I run away a lot of times to something that is cosmically tantric sexual energy that I experienced every time we made love? For others who wants to experience this, would find it crazy for me to break up with this climactic explosion!

The underlying reason is about commitment. Openness and sharing deep intimate level, for me any relationship that I create is about transparency. If I cannot be myself, then what is the point of being together? Obviously this is a karmic bondage.

What is this karma? I incarnated and experience sexual abuse from my father and others. I healed myself through the process of Akashic Records. Creating relationships with the Masters of Light, helped me illuminate my shadows and what will it take me to purify my path. To gain clarity is what I want to create in this lifetime. I am done with being a victim. I choose to be empowered.

As I heal others, I heal myself. The healer needs to heal. We are all processing our own griefs and sorrows. When you were abused and most of us were, we created imprints of memories in our cellular level of consciousness. We get triggers and we activated back these black holes in our lifetime.

What I see in this karmic bondage is a twisted interpretation of love and sex. When I was sexually molested by my father, unconsciously I connected pain with love. It was twisted because love should not be about suffering. But because I loved my father, then when I am having sex with my partner I feel love no matter what he shares with me. Even though what I wanted is commitment and sharing full intimate experience as partners and know that he cannot give this to me..I still cling unto this sexual relationship.

Such a crazy cycle of confusion. As I was healing my griefs, I had a self-realization that this is not love that he is sharing with me. It was sex. I could not separate sex and love. For me sex is sacred and love. I cannot unsacred the sacred.

It became a puzzle, there was drama. Every time I cave in and get him back into my arms. I feel trapped. Back to being powerless. The most intimate form of love became a form of control, manipulation and power struggle. This for sure I do not want in my life. I want to free myself from any form of fear based thoughts. This is a karmic bondage. I was bond to suffering.

In order for me to forget and escape my pain from losing my son. I kept a secret lover. After few years my children found the truth. I cannot lie anymore to myself and others who are important to my life. Whatever transpired from this love story, I am grateful for his presence because our bonding helped me ground myself back into my numb heart and body.

He woke me up to this physical existence. He comforted me when I cannot find inner peace. Now, I am here contemplating with my action. My intention to create a sacred journey with myself, free from any attachments to toxins that I do not need. I am sharing my sacred sexuality to humanity because we need to wake up that our body is sacred. We are light. Every bondage of our spirit is a challenge to untangle when you have succumb into this darkness. It is a part of being human, but we have the power to choose light always.

When we are down, a messenger is send to us. An earth angel to uplift our spirit. Today I had experienced this with my loving friend Joanne. She can feel me when I am in the dark hole of sorrows. We cry and laugh. We share our pain, this is friendship when you can share your whole being dark and light, we are all one experiencing this right now.

As I grieve, my daughter Tiffany’s book The Art of Griefs: Autoethnography Exploring Sibling Bereavement appeared in Facebook. I just loved those anniversaries. It touched me to the core. I realized it is time for me to write these griefs. As I grieve my son Theo’s death, I also grieve my lost innocence as a child. I cry for all the children in our world. I cry for they lose themselves in this type of abuse. I lost my son because of this abuse.

So here I am writing this painful and vulnerable revelation to you. My heart goes out to all of you who have been sexually molested, raped and abused. You did not do anything to deserve this. You are stronger than what you think you are. You are a powerful being of light that is always guided, supported and protected when we ask for help.

My power is beyond me, I asked my higher power, God or Source of all creations to be with me. To create and design my life, my blueprint to be a powerful light for others. Thank you for being with me in this lighted path. Namaste!

excerpt from the book Sacred Sexuality